What Littles Really Need Before We Ask Them to “Be Kind”
Hey y’all!
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Kierston, and I’m the founder of Rook & Fern Co.
My work is rooted in both formal education and years spent inside classrooms and childcare spaces. I hold a degree in psychology with advanced training in child and adolescent development, and I’ve spent nearly a decade working directly with young children, families, and educators — supporting social-emotional growth, inclusion, and relationship-building in real, everyday school settings.
While I’m not a parent yet, I’ve walked alongside many parents as they navigate school systems and early learning environments. I’ve supported teachers in moments that don’t make it into lesson plans — peer conflict, emotional overwhelm, transitions, and the social challenges that quietly shape a child’s school experience.
The ideas I share here are informed by both that lived classroom experience and the work of educators, psychologists, and researchers whose frameworks have deeply shaped how we understand children and behavior. Thinkers like Dan Siegel, Ross Greene, and Mona Delahooke have helped put language to what so many educators already know intuitively: children do their best when they feel regulated, supported, and equipped with tools — not just expectations.
What follows is my attempt to bridge research with practice — and to pass along what I’ve learned in ways that feel practical, gentle, and usable for real classrooms and families.
If you are seeing this — thank you. It means you have found yourself in the space where I would like for everyone to feel heard, seen, and valued. Does that kind of sound like a corny line - sure - but what is life if we aren’t so serious. Which leads me to the point of this entire post…!
“Be kind.”
It’s one of the most common phrases children hear — in classrooms, hallways, and at home. I’ve even said it myself more times than I can count. But I have come to realize over the years, working closely with children, that we have something important missing: we often ask our littles to be kind LONG before we’ve taught them how.
Kindness isn’t something children can just switch on, especially not in the middle of big feelings, peer conflict, or overwhelming moments.
As child psychologist Dan Siegel often reminds us,
“Children can’t access empathy or kindness when they’re dysregulated. Regulation has to come before reasoning”
This matters because when we tell a child to “be kind” during a hard moment, we’re often asking them to do something their nervous system simply isn’t ready for yet.
Ross Greene’s work, as a PhD., echoes this in a way I come back to often: “Kids do well when they can - not when they’re told to.” When children are struggling socially, it is rarely because they don’t care — it’s because they don’t have the skillset.
Kindness Is an Outcome, Not a Starting Point
When we ask children to “be kind,” we’re really asking them to manage a lot at once:
regulate emotions
understand another person’s perspective
communicate needs clearly
repair mistakes
Those are complex, developmental skills.
As psychologist Mona Delahooke explains, behavior is often communication — especially when children don’t yet have the language to express what they need.
“Behavior is a form of communication, especially when children don’t yet have the language to express their needs.”
— Mona Delahooke, PhD (paraphrased)
Without explicit teaching and support, “be kind” can feel vague or confusing. Some children internalize it as I’m bad rather than I’m still learning.
What Littles Actually Need First
Before kindness can show up consistently, children need a foundation.
They need help identifying what they’re feeling.
They need a shared language they can use in real moments.
They need opportunities to practice — and mess up — without shame.
In social-emotional learning, there’s a common understanding that expecting children to behave in ways they haven’t been taught isn’t discipline — it’s guesswork.
“Expecting children to behave in ways they haven’t been taught is not discipline — it’s guesswork.”
— Common SEL principle (paraphrased)
And for young children especially, this learning has to be active. Research in early childhood education consistently shows that social skills develop best through modeling, repetition, and play — not correction alone.
“Young children learn social skills best through modeling, repetition, and play — not correction alone.”
— Early childhood education research (paraphrased)
Why This Matters in Early Elementary
By second grade, peer relationships become more complex. Children are expected to manage more independence, more group work, and more emotional nuance — often without direct instruction in how to do so.
Social and emotional skills aren’t separate from learning. As frameworks like CASEL emphasize, they are the foundation learning is built on.
“Social and emotional skills are not separate from learning — they are the foundation that learning is built on.”
— CASEL Framework (paraphrased)
When children feel supported, understood, and equipped, they’re better able to engage — academically and socially.
A Gentle, Intentional Approach
This understanding shapes my work at Rook & Fern.
I don’t believe children need more reminders to “be kind.”
They need clear tools, shared language, and space to practice.
That belief is what led me to create the Friendship Toolbox (Mini) — a free, play-based resource designed to help early elementary students practice good-friend behaviors and simple conflict repair in concrete, developmentally appropriate ways.
👉 Download the free Friendship Toolbox (Mini)
“When we give children tools instead of expectations alone, they rise to meet them.”
Where This All Leads
When children are supported with clear language and hands-on practice, kindness becomes more than a rule — it becomes something they can actually use.
Across research, classrooms, and real relationships, the message is consistent: children aren’t resistant to kindness — they’re still learning how to access it. When we slow down, teach skills explicitly, and offer practice instead of pressure, we give children the chance to build those skills in ways that actually stick.
This work doesn’t require perfection.
It starts small.
It grows with consistency.
And it matters more than we often realize.
This is the work I care most about — supporting children with tools instead of expectations alone, and helping adults feel more confident guiding social growth in real, everyday moments. If you’re a teacher, counselor, or parent looking for gentle, practical ways to support relationship skills, this is where I begin — and I’m glad you’re part of the conversation.
